The past year I have been bustin it to try to establish some sort of safety net and norm. Some sort of pattern to base the day to day events in my life. And really I have learned: I don't think there is one. I find myself quoting Mother Theresa every few weeks saying "God wouldn't give me more than I can handle." -"But sometimes I wish he he didn't give me so much." I spent my summer flying from one show/event to another and on days off trying to have some fun and blow off some steam. Now into fall and early winter I get to catch my breath and catch up with some projects. If anyone has followed my Facebook page they have been able to keep up from horse show to Zoo, to Wildlife walk to cat show to .... .... But it would have been nice to be able to get enough time to write in this blog. But things have been flying so fast that it seems like I come home and literally fall asleep trying to get in the door. Other days I'm just trying to focus enough to get from one topic to another. Lately I've been thinking that if I can manage to keep a personal journal (where I vent and rant and rave) on a more regular basis than I can keep this (where I am trying to be all polished and professional) then maybe I am trying too hard.
When I was a kid I wanted to be a writer. At some point I had nearly 4 or 5 notebooks tied together as a story. I remember it was about two little girls and one was dying, but it never really go very far and teachers who would like to pound proper grammer and sentence structure into my feable right (run on sentence) minded brain- killed my confidence and any want left to write. As an adult I haven't really had time to write although after buying a house a few a years ago I did get the writing bug again and started up another story. I even went and researched how to get it published, but sadly that's far harder than it looks, and rejection is far more common that rain in a monsoon when it comes to publishers. So somewhere around here I have 8 chapters to a manuscript that I haven't decided what length I want it. More recently I wrote out a small story (which was all true) about the life of a ferret named Odin Snow. The whole purpose was to tell the world how much devotion and love your pets have for you. How they will go to any length to make you happy. And sometimes their devotion even means across death itself. I did share it on a pet grieving site and it was shared with many others and some suggested I try to publish it. But because of it's odd length it would be undesirable.
Lately this blog has been on my mind and I find myself trying to think of things to put in it that are interesting, and relating to my life as an artist. Sadly without going on and on about photo shoots, or trips to zoos that leaves drawing and painting tutorials which I am already doing on You Tube (it's doing well but lets face it reading about how to draw is like reading about grass growing BORING. So this all is seeming to be rather redundant. People who want to keep up on the day to day follow my Facebook page, those that want to learn are watching me on You Tube and this stupid thing still sits here; not updated and stiff and stifling. I have been so worried about being my own publicist, agent, promoter, photographer, artist and web designer, that really I just didn't give myself any allowable room to just be me. And down the road maybe at some point without going through my many hard drives someone would like to just know ME. Not Artist me, Not Professional Photographer, Not Hi I'm Your Boss So we can't be friends, not the front that I seem to have to wear 24/7. I'm tired of doing public Polish. I'm not saying that I'm turning this page into a rant (although there may be one here and there.) but letting down my hair and just going off topic. Whatever the hell is on my mind..and for that matter not caring about my language! I've had the same 4 followers for 3 years and doubt unless I say something that flags with national security that that will change. So I'm opening this up for little things like: "WOW there's a spray that mattes the sheen on graphite drawings!" or big things: "The Bull Shit politics of a dog show Really?!" or some non "PC" Topics like :"OK some photographers are just douche bags!!" "What the hell is it with people in THIS town??! Are you serious??! Your hot boxing with a kid in the car??!"
So I'm sure the next entry with be the disclaimer as I'm sure I'm going to want it.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Trying to find my feet...
Well, despite thoughts otherwise I see now why I never became a writer- seriously I can't think of that much topical stuff to write about- which is funny since I could talk all day long about nothing. LOL
The short version is change in full time employers...then a change of stores for 2 months... rebuilt store new crew and one by one less managers...things are still not totally settled but that's the 9-5 thing. The NON 9-5 thing is like WOW seriously??!
Winter of 2012 saw the first seasonal rush I have ever gotten. Literally booked from September thru Jan 2013. Then a week after the departure from one job came a call from old friends looking for a show photographer vendor for a cat show. I hadn't really seriously studied the photography thing and disclosed as much but they were happy to have me and with a 20$ budget rebuilt the booth with what I had to maximize profit, and time. I had never been so busy!! Clients lined up, people getting testy because they expected to walk in and sit right down for a consultation but had to wait as I was shooting cats! Sunday was less crazy but still kept me busy. I walked away with a month's rent and the realization that I needed to buckle down and study and be much better at what I didn't think I should/could do...
When I got home I found a letter in the mail from the Milwaukee Zoological Society asking if I would be interested in vending a National Conference in Oct 2014. After following up I found out that this invite is by recommendation ONLY. You can not apply to vend at this show! (Oh HELL YEAH)
Spring was fighting with the website for a overhaul... again. I keep spending money on this lame duck and it keeps just bobbing away not doing anything...A marketing meeting gave me a few ideas though..more work and more studying..yea...webdesign...:(
April was the Midwest Horse Fair and while I only could go for 1 day I spent it on my feet and working. 1st was to improve the quality of the shots I was taking. 2nd was to talk to owners and breeders rather than being a faceless blob in a mass of people. A very enlightening day. Even bumped into someone who I talked with online who is an equine photographer. Walked out Saturday feeling successful and accomplished. (with a potential of 2 sales/commissions) April and May also was 2 trips to the Milwaukee Zoo to get more ref shots for the upcoming AZAD show (the zoo conference).
May was double booked on an easy day! Memorial Weekend was Beaver Creek, Lots of good shots.Worked a 12 hour day before the show- 2 hours of sleep...was falling asleep at the tripod by the ring- had to leave early- Sunday :( Sunday got rained out...:( Had a few orders for prints :)
June... wait June was there somewhere right??! Umm yeah maybe? Still working on a commission from April.. And taking a class on Photo composition and editing... Full time hours: 55-60/week
July horse shows ren faire horse shows! Wait wasn't I working on a thing for-? Oh well..Finished the Charcoal commission in the end of July.. Thank God my poor clients probably thought I forgot about them...
Picked up a tablet for the computer to speed up photo edting now I get to learn a new program >.< Still at Full time hours: 55-60/week
August: Things are starting to settle down. Full time hours: about 50. Had a chance for a day off up in the Dells.Amazing how much of a workaholic I am. Spent 2 hours in a "safari park" getting refs for zoo conference. Shot the County fair picked up a few fans, some say they would order prints...got back to working on the large wolf painting.
Where did all the time go??
The short version is change in full time employers...then a change of stores for 2 months... rebuilt store new crew and one by one less managers...things are still not totally settled but that's the 9-5 thing. The NON 9-5 thing is like WOW seriously??!
Winter of 2012 saw the first seasonal rush I have ever gotten. Literally booked from September thru Jan 2013. Then a week after the departure from one job came a call from old friends looking for a show photographer vendor for a cat show. I hadn't really seriously studied the photography thing and disclosed as much but they were happy to have me and with a 20$ budget rebuilt the booth with what I had to maximize profit, and time. I had never been so busy!! Clients lined up, people getting testy because they expected to walk in and sit right down for a consultation but had to wait as I was shooting cats! Sunday was less crazy but still kept me busy. I walked away with a month's rent and the realization that I needed to buckle down and study and be much better at what I didn't think I should/could do...
When I got home I found a letter in the mail from the Milwaukee Zoological Society asking if I would be interested in vending a National Conference in Oct 2014. After following up I found out that this invite is by recommendation ONLY. You can not apply to vend at this show! (Oh HELL YEAH)
Spring was fighting with the website for a overhaul... again. I keep spending money on this lame duck and it keeps just bobbing away not doing anything...A marketing meeting gave me a few ideas though..more work and more studying..yea...webdesign...:(
April was the Midwest Horse Fair and while I only could go for 1 day I spent it on my feet and working. 1st was to improve the quality of the shots I was taking. 2nd was to talk to owners and breeders rather than being a faceless blob in a mass of people. A very enlightening day. Even bumped into someone who I talked with online who is an equine photographer. Walked out Saturday feeling successful and accomplished. (with a potential of 2 sales/commissions) April and May also was 2 trips to the Milwaukee Zoo to get more ref shots for the upcoming AZAD show (the zoo conference).
May was double booked on an easy day! Memorial Weekend was Beaver Creek, Lots of good shots.Worked a 12 hour day before the show- 2 hours of sleep...was falling asleep at the tripod by the ring- had to leave early- Sunday :( Sunday got rained out...:( Had a few orders for prints :)
June... wait June was there somewhere right??! Umm yeah maybe? Still working on a commission from April.. And taking a class on Photo composition and editing... Full time hours: 55-60/week
July horse shows ren faire horse shows! Wait wasn't I working on a thing for-? Oh well..Finished the Charcoal commission in the end of July.. Thank God my poor clients probably thought I forgot about them...
Picked up a tablet for the computer to speed up photo edting now I get to learn a new program >.< Still at Full time hours: 55-60/week
August: Things are starting to settle down. Full time hours: about 50. Had a chance for a day off up in the Dells.Amazing how much of a workaholic I am. Spent 2 hours in a "safari park" getting refs for zoo conference. Shot the County fair picked up a few fans, some say they would order prints...got back to working on the large wolf painting.
Where did all the time go??
Friday, January 25, 2013
Unhealthy Grieving
In the past few months business has picked up and I apologize for once again I abandoned this blog. But I can't help but to make an entry about the importance of healthy grieving. Some people don't know there is a difference, some people do, but as a pet artist I deal with the healthy and unhealthy both. Wonderfully with the seasonal rush I have had a few chances to work on some living friends which can be treated different than pets who are deceased. You can laugh with clients about antics and pitfalls, there's always tomorrow and even on rainy days there is a smile and the warmth of a friend. But for the grieving there is a hole of darkness, that is cold and lonely. For those who are mourning in an unhealthy manner, you can add terrifying- immobilizing fear, guilt and blame. These monsters slowly eat away at the confidence that a person has in themselves and becomes their whole world. They prevent the berieved from moving forward, from looking beyond one single moment in time. Once overwhelmed by the demons of their loss, they are inconsolable, and can be irrational in their mourning. A lifetime of experiences boils down to one fleeting moment where something terrible had to (or did by accident) happen- and despite all efforts there is nothing else that matters. This may go on for days, weeks, months or even years. To say it is debilitating is an understatement. The berieved can not stop blaming themselves or holding themselves accountable for things that are beyond their control. And I hate to be blunt but Death is beyond everyone's control- we all die, and there is nothing any of us can do to change that.
The biggest characteristic of unhealthy grieving is the "what if" game. They play it continually. Rather than let go and move on they ask "What if I forget?", "What if I had...they would still be here", "If only I had..." it's a vicious cycle of guessing and blaming that never ends. And while a new pet, or someone new in their life may refocus their attention for a bit- the overall demon is still under the skin waiting to come out when no one is around.
While one could take the berieved to a clinical psychiatrist and get a anti depressant for the emotional upheaval the core of the issue is how they are mourning. What friends of the berieved need to help them do is refocus their memories and stop blaming themselves. For all intents and purposes- the mourner is like a person wanting to look outside- but can't focus past the glass of the window. It's a barrier that needs to be torn down.
Much like in the sample shot they look to their barrier rather than what is beyond it. "It's wet and cold= it must be miserable". Rather than "It's snowing out and there are birds at the feeders". The berieved have similar trains that must be derailed. "I had to put him down- he suffered so much. I could not help him." Rather than: "He had a hard life, but in the end he was loved- and some never know that feeling. I gave him love and safety. He learned to trust again."
Also some owners are so focused on the here and how while they own a pet that they never take the time to do something they value as important. Pictures are a valuable way to remember ones that we have lost- both human and animal alike. Don't wait until it's too late to bring out the camera. Hold those memories forever. If you only have the time to take those last minute shots- please don't focus on that moment. For you may loose yourself in your grief. Refocus your memories on the positive, rather than the end.
The biggest characteristic of unhealthy grieving is the "what if" game. They play it continually. Rather than let go and move on they ask "What if I forget?", "What if I had...they would still be here", "If only I had..." it's a vicious cycle of guessing and blaming that never ends. And while a new pet, or someone new in their life may refocus their attention for a bit- the overall demon is still under the skin waiting to come out when no one is around.
While one could take the berieved to a clinical psychiatrist and get a anti depressant for the emotional upheaval the core of the issue is how they are mourning. What friends of the berieved need to help them do is refocus their memories and stop blaming themselves. For all intents and purposes- the mourner is like a person wanting to look outside- but can't focus past the glass of the window. It's a barrier that needs to be torn down.
Much like in the sample shot they look to their barrier rather than what is beyond it. "It's wet and cold= it must be miserable". Rather than "It's snowing out and there are birds at the feeders". The berieved have similar trains that must be derailed. "I had to put him down- he suffered so much. I could not help him." Rather than: "He had a hard life, but in the end he was loved- and some never know that feeling. I gave him love and safety. He learned to trust again."
Also some owners are so focused on the here and how while they own a pet that they never take the time to do something they value as important. Pictures are a valuable way to remember ones that we have lost- both human and animal alike. Don't wait until it's too late to bring out the camera. Hold those memories forever. If you only have the time to take those last minute shots- please don't focus on that moment. For you may loose yourself in your grief. Refocus your memories on the positive, rather than the end.
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